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Full Evening of New Moon
18 hours ago
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Hello My Name is Jamie- Part 5
Sorry for the long delay in this last post…life has been FULL! I want to wrap up this series on my 12 Steps journey by sharing the blessings that have come as a result of surrendering my life and will to my Redeemer(I am skipping ahead to the end).
JOY…real joy! I have always been known to my friends and family as a happy person, but my happiness was contingent upon the circumstances of my life. As long as life fit into my little box of perfection and people treated me like I “needed” them to treat me, my joy remained intact. I now know that my joy comes from the Lord. My happiness is no longer tied to people who are going to disappoint me (surprise, they’re human too) or to all of the “stuff” that will happen in life. My joy is my salvation, in the One who paid my ransom!
Peace. I can’t help but think of the old song we used to sing at church camp, “I’ve got peace like a river in my soul.”! Those words have REAL meaning for me now. Think about a river. Its path is tumultuous; full of twists and turns, bounding over rocks and through all types of obstacles. A river is constant. It never stops flowing, even against the largest barriers, it finds a way to press through (I’m reminded of the mighty Mississippi). That’s the way that genuine peace manifests itself in my life. God has promised that life is going to have trials alongside of the victories. I know that like a river, I will come across my share of twists and turns, and will face seemingly impossible circumstances. In the past, my river of peace was more like a little stream that is stopped by the first boulder that comes in its way. I always thought that peace was a feeling, something that was attached to everything in my life being “just right”. John 16:33 says, “I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world." I am able to be DEEPLY at peace, because my faith rests in the One who already knows the end of the story. I know that He has a plan to prosper me and not to harm me. So, as the river of life meets obstacles and challenges, I will keep rolling on, resting in the fact that hardships bring even more peace.
A “Get-To” Life. About 3 months into my 12 Step Journey, I realized that I was caught up in a “have-to” way of living. I had to respect my husband. I had to make good food choices. I had to wipe my son’s bottom for the 1000th time. I had to serve others. I had to love others. I had to read my Bible. And the list goes on and on. Somewhere along the road, I had settled into doing things because that was what was expected of me, out of obligation if you will. It was an endless cycle that caused bitterness and a sense of a discontented life. When God opened my eyes to this, I realized that I was living a life void of good fruit. Doing things out of obligation or because I thought that’s what people expected of me, rather than obedience to the Lord, had me trapped in an unfulfilling life. I was like a hamster on a wheel, never getting anywhere because the motivations of my heart were all wrong! When I allowed the Holy Spirit to take full force in my life, I was free to live a get-to life. Now, all of the things that I felt like I had to do in the past, have become and honor and privilege! I don’t feel like the little hamster on the wheel anymore. Instead, my life has purpose and meaning because of all of the things that I get to do!
Restored Relationships. This is the culmination of it all for me. Since I have real joy, unshakeable peace, and live with a get-to attitude, I have been able to experience real, life-changing relationships for the first time in my life! Before I began this journey, I endured people with a wall of bricks that surrounded my heart because of my fear of abandonment and rejection. I had so much bitterness and resentment taking residency in my heart! All of that bitterness kept anyone from being able to meet my expectations of someone that I could trust or ever love. After I completed my inventory and was able to give and receive forgiveness, that fortress of “protection” I had built to guard myself(which by the way was a castle of lies)came tumbling down. Grace and mercy were the remedy that my ailing heart was in need of. Once I was able to accept God’s gift of forgiveness, I was able to see everyone through the lens of God’s grace for me. I began living in an active state of forgiveness. There is NOTHING that anyone can do that will be a deal breaker because you see, my joy and peace are not tied to the circumstances of this life. And so, the tapestry of this journey continues to be woven.
Last week, I was able to celebrate the completion of this amazing journey called the 12 Steps. I, along with my amazing step-sisters, received our chip for finishing the hard work and to celebrate our recovery in Christ! It was an amazing night of worship and was chock-full of emotions. I was blown away by the friends who came to support me. A group of women who now know the real me, warts and all, and can fully love Jamie Lurain Mullins. As amazing as the night was, what happened earlier in the day is what confirmed my healing and restoration in Jesus Christ. My dad found out last week through a strange set of circumstances that he had 6 blockages in his heart. Praise God that we found out before he had a massive heart attack. My whole life, I allowed my dad to be the main source of my bitterness and resentment. There was a mountain of hurt, starting early in my childhood, that came at the hands of a man I had could not even call “dad”. I blamed him for the way that I reacted to life, for my lack of trust in God and men, for my lack of responsibility with money…you name it, I could find a way to blame my dad for it. Last Friday was the first time that I sat in a room alone with my father in almost 6 years. A miracle had occurred! I walked away from the hospital feeling strange and a bit shaken. I realized that all of my bitterness towards him was gone…I had REALLY forgiven my dad for every hurt he had ever caused. And what’s better than that is, I’m not waiting for the ball to drop with him. In living in an active state of forgiveness, I am free to love my dad(and everyone for that matter) with NO EXPECTATIONS!!!
I would love to say that I am totally free of codependency, but I can’t. This 12 step journey is just that, I don’t know that I will arrive at my destination until I am face to face with our Maker. I am still working on creating new default settings for my new way of life. But what I can say is that I feel like I am awake for the first time in my life. I am so thankful that the Lord used CR to heal the wounds that were deep in my soul. I am proud of the scars that I bear and know that God is using them for His glory! I would love to share more about this journey, about making my amends, the process of discovering my character defects, and the relationships formed within the walls of CR with anyone who wants to listen. If you want to chat now or in the future, please don’t hesitate to ask. Since I have received the unexplainable gift of FREEDOM in Christ, I want to give it away to anyone who wants to accept it!
JOY…real joy! I have always been known to my friends and family as a happy person, but my happiness was contingent upon the circumstances of my life. As long as life fit into my little box of perfection and people treated me like I “needed” them to treat me, my joy remained intact. I now know that my joy comes from the Lord. My happiness is no longer tied to people who are going to disappoint me (surprise, they’re human too) or to all of the “stuff” that will happen in life. My joy is my salvation, in the One who paid my ransom!
Peace. I can’t help but think of the old song we used to sing at church camp, “I’ve got peace like a river in my soul.”! Those words have REAL meaning for me now. Think about a river. Its path is tumultuous; full of twists and turns, bounding over rocks and through all types of obstacles. A river is constant. It never stops flowing, even against the largest barriers, it finds a way to press through (I’m reminded of the mighty Mississippi). That’s the way that genuine peace manifests itself in my life. God has promised that life is going to have trials alongside of the victories. I know that like a river, I will come across my share of twists and turns, and will face seemingly impossible circumstances. In the past, my river of peace was more like a little stream that is stopped by the first boulder that comes in its way. I always thought that peace was a feeling, something that was attached to everything in my life being “just right”. John 16:33 says, “I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world." I am able to be DEEPLY at peace, because my faith rests in the One who already knows the end of the story. I know that He has a plan to prosper me and not to harm me. So, as the river of life meets obstacles and challenges, I will keep rolling on, resting in the fact that hardships bring even more peace.
A “Get-To” Life. About 3 months into my 12 Step Journey, I realized that I was caught up in a “have-to” way of living. I had to respect my husband. I had to make good food choices. I had to wipe my son’s bottom for the 1000th time. I had to serve others. I had to love others. I had to read my Bible. And the list goes on and on. Somewhere along the road, I had settled into doing things because that was what was expected of me, out of obligation if you will. It was an endless cycle that caused bitterness and a sense of a discontented life. When God opened my eyes to this, I realized that I was living a life void of good fruit. Doing things out of obligation or because I thought that’s what people expected of me, rather than obedience to the Lord, had me trapped in an unfulfilling life. I was like a hamster on a wheel, never getting anywhere because the motivations of my heart were all wrong! When I allowed the Holy Spirit to take full force in my life, I was free to live a get-to life. Now, all of the things that I felt like I had to do in the past, have become and honor and privilege! I don’t feel like the little hamster on the wheel anymore. Instead, my life has purpose and meaning because of all of the things that I get to do!
Restored Relationships. This is the culmination of it all for me. Since I have real joy, unshakeable peace, and live with a get-to attitude, I have been able to experience real, life-changing relationships for the first time in my life! Before I began this journey, I endured people with a wall of bricks that surrounded my heart because of my fear of abandonment and rejection. I had so much bitterness and resentment taking residency in my heart! All of that bitterness kept anyone from being able to meet my expectations of someone that I could trust or ever love. After I completed my inventory and was able to give and receive forgiveness, that fortress of “protection” I had built to guard myself(which by the way was a castle of lies)came tumbling down. Grace and mercy were the remedy that my ailing heart was in need of. Once I was able to accept God’s gift of forgiveness, I was able to see everyone through the lens of God’s grace for me. I began living in an active state of forgiveness. There is NOTHING that anyone can do that will be a deal breaker because you see, my joy and peace are not tied to the circumstances of this life. And so, the tapestry of this journey continues to be woven.
Last week, I was able to celebrate the completion of this amazing journey called the 12 Steps. I, along with my amazing step-sisters, received our chip for finishing the hard work and to celebrate our recovery in Christ! It was an amazing night of worship and was chock-full of emotions. I was blown away by the friends who came to support me. A group of women who now know the real me, warts and all, and can fully love Jamie Lurain Mullins. As amazing as the night was, what happened earlier in the day is what confirmed my healing and restoration in Jesus Christ. My dad found out last week through a strange set of circumstances that he had 6 blockages in his heart. Praise God that we found out before he had a massive heart attack. My whole life, I allowed my dad to be the main source of my bitterness and resentment. There was a mountain of hurt, starting early in my childhood, that came at the hands of a man I had could not even call “dad”. I blamed him for the way that I reacted to life, for my lack of trust in God and men, for my lack of responsibility with money…you name it, I could find a way to blame my dad for it. Last Friday was the first time that I sat in a room alone with my father in almost 6 years. A miracle had occurred! I walked away from the hospital feeling strange and a bit shaken. I realized that all of my bitterness towards him was gone…I had REALLY forgiven my dad for every hurt he had ever caused. And what’s better than that is, I’m not waiting for the ball to drop with him. In living in an active state of forgiveness, I am free to love my dad(and everyone for that matter) with NO EXPECTATIONS!!!
I would love to say that I am totally free of codependency, but I can’t. This 12 step journey is just that, I don’t know that I will arrive at my destination until I am face to face with our Maker. I am still working on creating new default settings for my new way of life. But what I can say is that I feel like I am awake for the first time in my life. I am so thankful that the Lord used CR to heal the wounds that were deep in my soul. I am proud of the scars that I bear and know that God is using them for His glory! I would love to share more about this journey, about making my amends, the process of discovering my character defects, and the relationships formed within the walls of CR with anyone who wants to listen. If you want to chat now or in the future, please don’t hesitate to ask. Since I have received the unexplainable gift of FREEDOM in Christ, I want to give it away to anyone who wants to accept it!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Hello My Name is Jamie- Part 4
The day that I made the decision to sit down and begin my moral inventory, will forever be etched into my heart. It was a cold and dreary winter day, much like the state of my spirit. In all honesty, I was DREADING the task at hand. Who in their right mind would want to make an account of every painful memory from the past as well as every sin committed against others?!?!
As I sat down at a Starbucks with my favorite flavored coffee beverage in hand, I began praying Psalm 129:23, “Examine me, O God, and know my mind; test me, and discover…if there is any evil in me and guide me in the everlasting way.” I knew that there was pain from my childhood buried so deep that only He would have the power to bring to the surfaces. For so long, I had masked and/or stuffed the wounds in my life, rather than allowing Him to heal them. Within minutes of my prayer, the memories came pouring down like the rain I could hear outside. Just a little side-note, if you ever decide to take a painful journey down memory lane, don’t do it in a Starbucks! As I began to journal all of the painful memories of my past, I could not control the tears and the sobbing that came as a result of the emotions that had been locked away for years. Not quite sure what the people around me thought, but at that moment, I didn’t really care.
Celebrate Recovery has an amazing model for making a thorough moral inventory in order to get to the root of a person’s hurts, habits, and hang-ups. With each entry to my inventory, I listed the person that was the object of my resentment or fear, the specific action that person took that hurt me, the effect that the action had on my life, the damage the action did to my basic instincts, and then my part in the resentment if any. Words can’t express the cleansing that came with writing out everything that had been buried for so long. The saying, “you’re only as sick as your secrets” is not just a saying. I was physically carrying the baggage of my past, and it wasn’t my burden to carry. As I journaled, I felt release from each event from my past. I prayed over every hurt and resentment and released them to the Lord. Ephesians 4:31 says, “get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” The biggest miracle that occurred while doing part one of my inventory was my desire to rid myself of bitterness and anger; I realized how much unforgiveness was taking residency in my heart. In turn, I was able to extend forgiveness to those who had hurt me which lifted the burden even more.
The second part of the inventory is your spiritual or moral inventory. This is the list of all of the people that you have hurt and a detailed explanation of how you hurt them, including yourself. This list wasn’t as hard for me. For years, I believed the lie that I should feel shame and guilt over my past sins, so when asked what they were, I was able to spew out the list in an instant. I had hurt those I love with lies, a lack of integrity, gossip and disrespect, just to name a few. I hurt myself by not guarding my mind from unhealthy things and by mistreating my body with food, obsessive exercise, alcohol, and sex. Making an account of all that I had done wrong sent me spiraling into a dark place. I was so far from being able to accept God’s forgiveness because of the pride in my heart.
I was so ready to be done with my inventory. I had gone to the hard places, faced my past hurts, owned up to my sins, and now the hardest part of all was going to happen. Not only did I have to openly examine and confess my faults to myself and God, but also to someone else. That someone else just happened to be my mentor and sponsor M, whose opinion I value HIGHLY!! We were to meet a local bakery for breakfast, and I was going to share ALL of my inventory with her. I can still feel the pit in my stomach as the fear of sharing all of me came rushing in. Until recently, I didn’t understand the concept of being fully known and fully loved. After all, up until this point NO ONE knew all of me! For so long, I lived life offering what I thought everyone else wanted me to be. I was so afraid that if people knew my real story, they’d be running for the hills! I didn’t sleep a wink the night before M and I met. I was a nervous wreck, wringing my hands at the table as I awaited her arrival. When she got there, she prayed over our time together, and before we started we ate just enough to keep my stomach from being quite so queasy. As fate would have it, this too was a rainy morning, and again the tears would fall just like the drizzle outside. I wept as I shared each entry of my inventory, and I was just waiting for a look of disappointment or rejection from the other end of the table. Funny thing is, the only look exchanged was one of unconditional love and mercy. After hearing about all of my mess-ups, utter defeats, childhood pain, and unhealthy living, M didn’t miss a beat with her love for me. I was completely blown away by the woman whom I admired and loved so much. Every bit of my fear of rejection was gone. What’s even better is that in the days that followed, I was finally able to accept God’s grace and mercy for me. I started meditating on the Truth and allowing His forgiveness to invade my life.
There were so many other positive things that came from sharing my inventory. I was able to connect the dots in my life from a bird’s eye perspective. I was able to see how the things that happened when I was a child contributed to my codependent behaviors. I realized that I was taking the blame for too many other people in my life. Most importantly, it allowed me to see the character defects that I needed to be rid of in order to continue the healing process. But first, it was time to make amends for the harm I had done to others…boy, this should be FUN!!
STORY TO BE CONTINUED
As I sat down at a Starbucks with my favorite flavored coffee beverage in hand, I began praying Psalm 129:23, “Examine me, O God, and know my mind; test me, and discover…if there is any evil in me and guide me in the everlasting way.” I knew that there was pain from my childhood buried so deep that only He would have the power to bring to the surfaces. For so long, I had masked and/or stuffed the wounds in my life, rather than allowing Him to heal them. Within minutes of my prayer, the memories came pouring down like the rain I could hear outside. Just a little side-note, if you ever decide to take a painful journey down memory lane, don’t do it in a Starbucks! As I began to journal all of the painful memories of my past, I could not control the tears and the sobbing that came as a result of the emotions that had been locked away for years. Not quite sure what the people around me thought, but at that moment, I didn’t really care.
Celebrate Recovery has an amazing model for making a thorough moral inventory in order to get to the root of a person’s hurts, habits, and hang-ups. With each entry to my inventory, I listed the person that was the object of my resentment or fear, the specific action that person took that hurt me, the effect that the action had on my life, the damage the action did to my basic instincts, and then my part in the resentment if any. Words can’t express the cleansing that came with writing out everything that had been buried for so long. The saying, “you’re only as sick as your secrets” is not just a saying. I was physically carrying the baggage of my past, and it wasn’t my burden to carry. As I journaled, I felt release from each event from my past. I prayed over every hurt and resentment and released them to the Lord. Ephesians 4:31 says, “get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” The biggest miracle that occurred while doing part one of my inventory was my desire to rid myself of bitterness and anger; I realized how much unforgiveness was taking residency in my heart. In turn, I was able to extend forgiveness to those who had hurt me which lifted the burden even more.
The second part of the inventory is your spiritual or moral inventory. This is the list of all of the people that you have hurt and a detailed explanation of how you hurt them, including yourself. This list wasn’t as hard for me. For years, I believed the lie that I should feel shame and guilt over my past sins, so when asked what they were, I was able to spew out the list in an instant. I had hurt those I love with lies, a lack of integrity, gossip and disrespect, just to name a few. I hurt myself by not guarding my mind from unhealthy things and by mistreating my body with food, obsessive exercise, alcohol, and sex. Making an account of all that I had done wrong sent me spiraling into a dark place. I was so far from being able to accept God’s forgiveness because of the pride in my heart.
I was so ready to be done with my inventory. I had gone to the hard places, faced my past hurts, owned up to my sins, and now the hardest part of all was going to happen. Not only did I have to openly examine and confess my faults to myself and God, but also to someone else. That someone else just happened to be my mentor and sponsor M, whose opinion I value HIGHLY!! We were to meet a local bakery for breakfast, and I was going to share ALL of my inventory with her. I can still feel the pit in my stomach as the fear of sharing all of me came rushing in. Until recently, I didn’t understand the concept of being fully known and fully loved. After all, up until this point NO ONE knew all of me! For so long, I lived life offering what I thought everyone else wanted me to be. I was so afraid that if people knew my real story, they’d be running for the hills! I didn’t sleep a wink the night before M and I met. I was a nervous wreck, wringing my hands at the table as I awaited her arrival. When she got there, she prayed over our time together, and before we started we ate just enough to keep my stomach from being quite so queasy. As fate would have it, this too was a rainy morning, and again the tears would fall just like the drizzle outside. I wept as I shared each entry of my inventory, and I was just waiting for a look of disappointment or rejection from the other end of the table. Funny thing is, the only look exchanged was one of unconditional love and mercy. After hearing about all of my mess-ups, utter defeats, childhood pain, and unhealthy living, M didn’t miss a beat with her love for me. I was completely blown away by the woman whom I admired and loved so much. Every bit of my fear of rejection was gone. What’s even better is that in the days that followed, I was finally able to accept God’s grace and mercy for me. I started meditating on the Truth and allowing His forgiveness to invade my life.
There were so many other positive things that came from sharing my inventory. I was able to connect the dots in my life from a bird’s eye perspective. I was able to see how the things that happened when I was a child contributed to my codependent behaviors. I realized that I was taking the blame for too many other people in my life. Most importantly, it allowed me to see the character defects that I needed to be rid of in order to continue the healing process. But first, it was time to make amends for the harm I had done to others…boy, this should be FUN!!
STORY TO BE CONTINUED
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Hello My Name is Jamie- Part 3
About two months into my recovery journey, I really started to feel like I was becoming a new person. I was feeling free of the chains of anxiety, and was learning what it meant to live in a minute by minute state of surrender to the Lord. 1 Peter 5:7 says, “Let him have all your worries and cares, for he is always thinking of you and watching everything that concerns you.” Since my maker and redeemer was watching over everything that concerned me, I felt free to live my life, something I had not done before, EVER.
Prior to my time in Celebrate Recovery, I spent countless hours trying to “fix” all of the people I cared about most. The main target of my so-called affections was my husband Blake. I put a ridiculous amount of effort into trying to change him into the man that I so desperately needed him to be. All of my attempts to nudge him in the right direction were fruitless. I grew to resent the man I shared a home with and stopped showing him the respect and love that he deserved. What I didn’t realize was not only was I missing the huge block in my eye while I was pointing out the speck in Blake’s, I was also standing in the way of the only One who could ever change my man’s heart. It breaks my heart now to know all of the pain that could’ve been avoided if I would have stepped out of the way and allowed the Lord to have His way in my marriage.
Something miraculous happened after I was able surrender control of my life to the Lord. When I finally realized that I was the only person that I had control over, I began to let go of any need to “fix” those around me. This is still a daily battle for me, but one that is so worth the fight. God had shown me that the only way that I could really help those I deeply cared about was to be an intercessor for them. The kicker is that in order to be an intercessor for anyone, I had to be free of the sin that so easily entangles me. So while I worked on my character defects, I started a process to release the people that I love to the Lord. I place them at the feet of the Lord anytime that I feel my need to control kick in. When I started this process with Blake, I realized that the bitterness and resentment I had come to be comfortable with, started to fade from sight. I started to see him thru the lens of God’s grace, covered in the blood of Christ. Do you know what happened just a short month after I let go of my need to control my husband? When I finally stepped out of the way, God was able to step in. The Lord has done an amazing work in Blake’s life! Our marriage is better than ever. Don’t get me wrong, we still have our little tiffs now and then, but I feel more in love with Blake than the day I married him. Since I have relinquished control, I am free to love him with NO expectations!
Recovery was really becoming enjoyable, even though I was warned that hard times were ahead. My 12 step group was completing Step 3 and moving into the step that has been known to make or break a person’s recovery. I had heard countless stories of people who quit on their recovery because Step 4 was just too painful. I had resolved that I had not come this far to give up now. I was willing to go the distance, no matter the pain. It was time to get to the root of my issues and Step 4 was going to do just that.
Step 4: We made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves. “Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the LORD.”(Lamentations 3:40) So what exactly does a searching and fearless inventory entail? A moral inventory is a list of ALL of the significant events in your life. It was time for me to take an honest look at my past in order to move forward in my recovery. My sponsor and mentor, M, informed me that it was imperative that I hand write all of the major events in my life that caused significant hurt as well as ALL of the offenses that I committed against others. When I was finished, we would sit down together and I would share this list with her. The weeks of the hard, honest look at my life that followed were some of the most tear-filled, heart wrenching moments I will ever experience. The pages of my inventory notebook are stained with tears. But good things were yet to come in Step 4. Facing my demons would bring peace and joy to my soul that I had never experienced.
Story To Be Continued
Prior to my time in Celebrate Recovery, I spent countless hours trying to “fix” all of the people I cared about most. The main target of my so-called affections was my husband Blake. I put a ridiculous amount of effort into trying to change him into the man that I so desperately needed him to be. All of my attempts to nudge him in the right direction were fruitless. I grew to resent the man I shared a home with and stopped showing him the respect and love that he deserved. What I didn’t realize was not only was I missing the huge block in my eye while I was pointing out the speck in Blake’s, I was also standing in the way of the only One who could ever change my man’s heart. It breaks my heart now to know all of the pain that could’ve been avoided if I would have stepped out of the way and allowed the Lord to have His way in my marriage.
Something miraculous happened after I was able surrender control of my life to the Lord. When I finally realized that I was the only person that I had control over, I began to let go of any need to “fix” those around me. This is still a daily battle for me, but one that is so worth the fight. God had shown me that the only way that I could really help those I deeply cared about was to be an intercessor for them. The kicker is that in order to be an intercessor for anyone, I had to be free of the sin that so easily entangles me. So while I worked on my character defects, I started a process to release the people that I love to the Lord. I place them at the feet of the Lord anytime that I feel my need to control kick in. When I started this process with Blake, I realized that the bitterness and resentment I had come to be comfortable with, started to fade from sight. I started to see him thru the lens of God’s grace, covered in the blood of Christ. Do you know what happened just a short month after I let go of my need to control my husband? When I finally stepped out of the way, God was able to step in. The Lord has done an amazing work in Blake’s life! Our marriage is better than ever. Don’t get me wrong, we still have our little tiffs now and then, but I feel more in love with Blake than the day I married him. Since I have relinquished control, I am free to love him with NO expectations!
Recovery was really becoming enjoyable, even though I was warned that hard times were ahead. My 12 step group was completing Step 3 and moving into the step that has been known to make or break a person’s recovery. I had heard countless stories of people who quit on their recovery because Step 4 was just too painful. I had resolved that I had not come this far to give up now. I was willing to go the distance, no matter the pain. It was time to get to the root of my issues and Step 4 was going to do just that.
Step 4: We made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves. “Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the LORD.”(Lamentations 3:40) So what exactly does a searching and fearless inventory entail? A moral inventory is a list of ALL of the significant events in your life. It was time for me to take an honest look at my past in order to move forward in my recovery. My sponsor and mentor, M, informed me that it was imperative that I hand write all of the major events in my life that caused significant hurt as well as ALL of the offenses that I committed against others. When I was finished, we would sit down together and I would share this list with her. The weeks of the hard, honest look at my life that followed were some of the most tear-filled, heart wrenching moments I will ever experience. The pages of my inventory notebook are stained with tears. But good things were yet to come in Step 4. Facing my demons would bring peace and joy to my soul that I had never experienced.
Story To Be Continued
Monday, March 9, 2009
Hello my Name is Jamie- Part 2
I hesitantly signed up to attend a 12 Step Recovery Study with a group of women I had never met. Unfortunately, I had pre-judged Celebrate Recovery and the type of people who attended it. I assumed(never a good thing to do) that I was above the issues that required “recovery”. God used the first night with my step-sisters as the first chain in the link of breaking down my pride. I sat in a room of women who were able to verbalize all of things that I was feeling but didn’t know how to express. The Lord had lead me to a group of amazing, strong women who knew exactly where I was at, and loved me just the same.
I wept in my car as I drove away from our first meeting because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I had FINALLY found the place that would strip me of my character defects and draw me closer to the Lord. Until this point, I had lived my life in a cycle of insanity. Insanity has been defined as “doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result each time.” Sanity has been defined as “wholeness of mind; making decisions based on the truth.” Colossians 1:27says, “And this is the secret: that Christ in your hearts is your only hope of glory.” That is where the road of insanity stopped. I realized that I was completely powerless to overcome my hurts, habits and hang-ups on my own. I had to turn to my Higher Power, Jesus Christ in order to be rid of the chains that held me in bondage for years.
Week 2 in my 12 Step group brought the first of many powerful breakthroughs in my recovery. Principle 1 of the program is: “Realize I’m not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong this and that my life in unmanageable.” As a raging codependent, I lived in a constant state of worry and anxiety. I lived life in every moment but the present. Anxiety ruled my thought life because I would play out every scenario that could affect myself, my family, or my friends. I worried about what people thought of my appearance or behavior. I worried about possible harm that could befall my children. I worried about Blake leaving me. You name it, I worried about it. All of that worry boiled down to one common denominator: FEAR of losing control. Lesson 2 taught me that there are VERY few things in this life that I actually have control over. I realized that I was trying to play God in my life. Matthew 6:24 says, “No one can serve two masters; he will hate one and love the other.” I was serving myself by trying to control every part of my life which left God no room to work.
Lesson 2 also offered an incredible acrostic that presented all of the “serenity robbers” that I was allowing to control me.
“Pride- Ignorance+power+pride=a deadly mixture
“Pride ends in a fall, while humility brings honor.” Proverbs 29:23
Only ifs- our “only ifs” in life keep us trapped in the fantasyland of rationalization!
“Whatever is covered up will be uncovered, and every secret will be made known. So then, whatever you have said in the dark will be heard in broad daylight.” Luke 12:2-3
Worry- Worrying is a form of not trusting God enough!
“So don’t be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrow too. Live one day at a time.” Matthew 6:34
Escape- By living in denial we may have escaped into a world of fantasy and unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others.
“For light is capable of showing up everything for what it really is. It is even possible for light to turn the thing it shines upon into light also.” Ephesians 5:13-14
Resentments- Resentments act like an emotional cancer if they are allowed to fester and grow.
“In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” Ephesians 4:26-27
Loneliness- Loneliness is a choice. In recovery and in Christ, you never have to walk alone.
“Continue to love each other with true brotherly love.” Hebrews 13:1
Emptiness- You know that empty feeling deep inside. The cold wind of hopelessness blows right through it.
Jesus said, “My purpose is to give life in all its fullness.” John 10:10
Selfishness- We often pray: “Our Father which art in Heaven; give me, give me, give me.”
“Whoever clings to his life shall lose it, and whoever loses his life shall save it.” Luke 17:33
Separation- Some people talk about finding God-as if He could ever get lost!
“For I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God.” Romans 8:38”
I left small group after Lesson 2 with tears streaming down my face. The realization of how powerless I was to control my life was utterly devastating. As I sobbed, I could hear the Lord pleading with me to surrender control to Him. It was His all along, I just needed to submit myself to His authority and power. On the way home, I admitted my powerlessness to the Lord and agreed with Him about the sin in my life. I handed Him the keys to my life and made the decision to daily release the worry that had consumed me. In the weeks that followed, my anxiety faded away because I was able to trust that God could do for me what I could not do for myself. Wow, I began to feel like I had it all together. This recovery deal won’t be so tough after all. WRONG! The dreaded Step 4 was just around the corner and I was about to face demons that had been buried in the depths of my soul.
I wept in my car as I drove away from our first meeting because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I had FINALLY found the place that would strip me of my character defects and draw me closer to the Lord. Until this point, I had lived my life in a cycle of insanity. Insanity has been defined as “doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result each time.” Sanity has been defined as “wholeness of mind; making decisions based on the truth.” Colossians 1:27says, “And this is the secret: that Christ in your hearts is your only hope of glory.” That is where the road of insanity stopped. I realized that I was completely powerless to overcome my hurts, habits and hang-ups on my own. I had to turn to my Higher Power, Jesus Christ in order to be rid of the chains that held me in bondage for years.
Week 2 in my 12 Step group brought the first of many powerful breakthroughs in my recovery. Principle 1 of the program is: “Realize I’m not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong this and that my life in unmanageable.” As a raging codependent, I lived in a constant state of worry and anxiety. I lived life in every moment but the present. Anxiety ruled my thought life because I would play out every scenario that could affect myself, my family, or my friends. I worried about what people thought of my appearance or behavior. I worried about possible harm that could befall my children. I worried about Blake leaving me. You name it, I worried about it. All of that worry boiled down to one common denominator: FEAR of losing control. Lesson 2 taught me that there are VERY few things in this life that I actually have control over. I realized that I was trying to play God in my life. Matthew 6:24 says, “No one can serve two masters; he will hate one and love the other.” I was serving myself by trying to control every part of my life which left God no room to work.
Lesson 2 also offered an incredible acrostic that presented all of the “serenity robbers” that I was allowing to control me.
“Pride- Ignorance+power+pride=a deadly mixture
“Pride ends in a fall, while humility brings honor.” Proverbs 29:23
Only ifs- our “only ifs” in life keep us trapped in the fantasyland of rationalization!
“Whatever is covered up will be uncovered, and every secret will be made known. So then, whatever you have said in the dark will be heard in broad daylight.” Luke 12:2-3
Worry- Worrying is a form of not trusting God enough!
“So don’t be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrow too. Live one day at a time.” Matthew 6:34
Escape- By living in denial we may have escaped into a world of fantasy and unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others.
“For light is capable of showing up everything for what it really is. It is even possible for light to turn the thing it shines upon into light also.” Ephesians 5:13-14
Resentments- Resentments act like an emotional cancer if they are allowed to fester and grow.
“In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” Ephesians 4:26-27
Loneliness- Loneliness is a choice. In recovery and in Christ, you never have to walk alone.
“Continue to love each other with true brotherly love.” Hebrews 13:1
Emptiness- You know that empty feeling deep inside. The cold wind of hopelessness blows right through it.
Jesus said, “My purpose is to give life in all its fullness.” John 10:10
Selfishness- We often pray: “Our Father which art in Heaven; give me, give me, give me.”
“Whoever clings to his life shall lose it, and whoever loses his life shall save it.” Luke 17:33
Separation- Some people talk about finding God-as if He could ever get lost!
“For I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God.” Romans 8:38”
I left small group after Lesson 2 with tears streaming down my face. The realization of how powerless I was to control my life was utterly devastating. As I sobbed, I could hear the Lord pleading with me to surrender control to Him. It was His all along, I just needed to submit myself to His authority and power. On the way home, I admitted my powerlessness to the Lord and agreed with Him about the sin in my life. I handed Him the keys to my life and made the decision to daily release the worry that had consumed me. In the weeks that followed, my anxiety faded away because I was able to trust that God could do for me what I could not do for myself. Wow, I began to feel like I had it all together. This recovery deal won’t be so tough after all. WRONG! The dreaded Step 4 was just around the corner and I was about to face demons that had been buried in the depths of my soul.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Hello my Name is Jamie
This post is the first in a series of 5. I want to share the journey of my heart from this past year of LIVING!! My prayer is that the Lord will speak thru my story and the change that has taken place in my mind, body, and soul.
Hello my name is Jamie, and I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ who struggles and has victories with codependency. About a year ago, I hit rock bottom emotionally. My marriage, friendships, and faith were all under fire and I realized that I was completely powerless to control all of the things that were most important in my life.
Thankfully, God had placed someone in my life that knew exactly where I was at, She had walked the same road ahead of me and was willing to help me out of the pit of despair I had “fallen” into. The first time I called my friend, M, to tell her about my need for a mentor, I shared all of the “issues” that were consuming my mind and thoughts. These issues ranged from a husband who didn’t love me the way I felt he should, family members who caused childhood pain, self-pity, self-doubt, a deep desire to please everyone around me, and at the top of the list, a constant sense of anxiety and worry that I could not escape. M informed me that there was a term for the struggles I shared with her. CODEPENDENCY…what?? I’m sure that’s not me. That sounded like some psycho-babble term for people who were much worse off than me. And then M gave me a simple definition of a codependent. She explained that a codependent is someone whose happiness, joy, and peace are controlled by the circumstances of life. Cue a blow to the heart. She had just wrapped up my way of living into one simple statement.
After identifying that I was more than likely struggling with something that had a name, I decided to do some more research on codependency. I found more info than I wanted, but was able to put words to the things that were happening in my heart. One website gave specific patterns of codependency. I’ll share just a few that described me to a tee.
Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
So, what M had said was true. I realized that every area of struggle in my life all pointed back to codependency. I needed everything and everyone in my life to fit into the box of what I could control (including God), and if they didn’t, I would begin a downward spiral towards depression and anxiety. But, stepping out of denial was only the first step…where was I supposed to go from here?
M and I began meeting on a weekly basis to talk about my week. She would share scripture and ask key questions, and she would always pray over me. About 3 weeks into our weekly meetings, she started talking to me about the Celebrate Recovery 12 Step Program and what it had done in her life. Celebrate Recovery?? Are you serious?? I thought that CR was for “those people”! Boy, was I in for the surprise of my life.
STORY To be Continued
Hello my name is Jamie, and I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ who struggles and has victories with codependency. About a year ago, I hit rock bottom emotionally. My marriage, friendships, and faith were all under fire and I realized that I was completely powerless to control all of the things that were most important in my life.
Thankfully, God had placed someone in my life that knew exactly where I was at, She had walked the same road ahead of me and was willing to help me out of the pit of despair I had “fallen” into. The first time I called my friend, M, to tell her about my need for a mentor, I shared all of the “issues” that were consuming my mind and thoughts. These issues ranged from a husband who didn’t love me the way I felt he should, family members who caused childhood pain, self-pity, self-doubt, a deep desire to please everyone around me, and at the top of the list, a constant sense of anxiety and worry that I could not escape. M informed me that there was a term for the struggles I shared with her. CODEPENDENCY…what?? I’m sure that’s not me. That sounded like some psycho-babble term for people who were much worse off than me. And then M gave me a simple definition of a codependent. She explained that a codependent is someone whose happiness, joy, and peace are controlled by the circumstances of life. Cue a blow to the heart. She had just wrapped up my way of living into one simple statement.
After identifying that I was more than likely struggling with something that had a name, I decided to do some more research on codependency. I found more info than I wanted, but was able to put words to the things that were happening in my heart. One website gave specific patterns of codependency. I’ll share just a few that described me to a tee.
Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
So, what M had said was true. I realized that every area of struggle in my life all pointed back to codependency. I needed everything and everyone in my life to fit into the box of what I could control (including God), and if they didn’t, I would begin a downward spiral towards depression and anxiety. But, stepping out of denial was only the first step…where was I supposed to go from here?
M and I began meeting on a weekly basis to talk about my week. She would share scripture and ask key questions, and she would always pray over me. About 3 weeks into our weekly meetings, she started talking to me about the Celebrate Recovery 12 Step Program and what it had done in her life. Celebrate Recovery?? Are you serious?? I thought that CR was for “those people”! Boy, was I in for the surprise of my life.
STORY To be Continued
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Four Years of FUN with Tyler!!
My baby bear is not a baby anymore. It's hard to believe that we just finished celebrating Tyler's 4th year of life. What a BLESSING my loveable little guy is!! This year has been bursting with wonderful new memories with Tyler. The terrible twos and trying threes are long gone and the fun fours are making their debut at the Mullins' house!
One of my favorite attributes that Tyler is really developing this year is the gift of encouragement. He is so good at encouraging confidence in his friends and speaking words of life to everyone around him. Tyler's teacher sings his praises every week. She loves the fact that Tyler has so much joy about everything in life. My little guy has been through a lot this past year, so to see the joy that exudes from his sweet heart is priceless to me!
Blake and I are praying that Tyler's joy would never be stolen and that God would protect his heart, soul and mind. Tyler's middle name is Evan which means God is good. I have come to realize that God is good all the time in Tyler's life, even though the circumstances that he faces may not make sense. I am learning to trust His goodness in Tyler's life and that all things will work together for His good and to bring glory to His name through Tyler. I have faith that God has a plan to prosper Tyler and not to harm him and that He will direct our paths in parenting my baby bear.
Happy Birthday Tyler. You are a prize far greater than I could have ever imagined. God had used your sweet life to shine light in the dark places and I know that He has mighty things in store for you as you walk this journey called life! I LOVE YOU PRECIOUS BOY with all of my heart!
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